After Much Fussing

here is my 2nd painting for Get Your Paint On. It's actually the one I started last week and abandoned. I'm still wondering if I should have left it on the shelf and worked the idea on it's own canvas, but whatever. This painting is the result of two ideas. The first being a line from this song. "Find a lock to open up a key." The second being a quote from Rumi, "You suppose that you are the lock on the door but you are the key that opens it." Obviously, I'm hyperfocused on my word: OPEN. It's all good. And can I just pat myself on the back because I totally nailed that key. I'm so proud of it. The rest, not so much [though I do kind of like the background], but the key... whoohoo!

I'm tossing around the idea of adding words to it. What say you?

2.for.Tuesday

I've picked up some paints and two types of canvases but I'm not yet brave enough to bust it all out. I'm not sure if it's from lack of confidence/perfectionism or from the deep seeded feeling that if I take it out I will get started and one interruption will lead to another and eventually the kids will be painting and not me. Painting the table. Painting the walls. Painting each other. I'm leaning more towards it being the latter... I've been playing instead with digital painting products [swaths of paint, splatters, scribbles]. I feel like I've got a bit more learning to do for them to feel right to me, but whatever. So. Much. Fun. one: This one is about noticing the doors that are already open and being brave enough to go through them.

How long will you keep pounding on an open door Begging for someone to open it?" -Rabi'a al-Adawiyya

two: This one I was focusing more on unlocking the door.

You suppose you are the trouble But you are the cure You suppose that you are the lock on the door But you are the key that opens it -Rumi

Clear!

Thinking of what makes my juices flow. What jumpstarts my heart. What brings me to life. I'm feeling flat [all nighters with sick baby will do that to you sometimes... heck, the baby doesn't even have to be sick and it can and will sometimes last for months at a time]. It's been hard to make a list. But I started with what I knew.

1. I am brilliant at 4 am. I am not kidding. I've said it before and I will say it until I die. It sounds nuts and really, it is nuts. Who in their right mind would get up at 4 am? Well... not this girl. Not on purpose. But maybe I should. Because there is just something about 4 am. About moving gently and purposefully so as not to disturb sleeping littles who would, in turn, disturb my peace. Especially when the house is in order. That is when the peace is complete. There is no need other than to be still.
2. Sometimes the early mornings take me outside. Outside where I count my footsteps and breathe in a deeply rhythmic way. I am not a runner, but sometimes I need to run. I run as far and as hard as I can. Then I turn around and go home again where a hot shower washes away all that stuff.
3. I thrive on feeling inspired.Occasionally I will have something pop into my head. Something so vivid and exciting that I can't ignore it. It wants life. I want to give it life. I love working out minor details [though I really kind of stink at the major ones... we'll leave that for another day]. Working out a plan is like breathing new life into my everyday routine.
4. When I feel beautiful life is beautiful. Really. When I get up and get dressed in something worthy of running into someone I know but haven't seen in a while...I feel different. When I do my hair I feel different. I feel different with my face done [though I don't feel this one as strongly as the others. I'm more of a make-up for special occasions kind of gal].
5. I need to feel understood. I love making connections. I love a conversation that I hate to end [even though it's 1:30am] because it's so nice to have someone who cares about what I'm doing. So nice to care about someone else. To be a cheerleader. To be cheered. To discover new facets of a person. To feel like I matter. To know that even if the person isn't necessarily interested in what I am doing they are excited about it because I am doing it.

I'm going to choose to ignore the track of reasons + excuses that seems to be playing on repeat in my head these days. I'm going to keep thinking of things that will jump start my day.

What about you? Do you have any surefire ways to get out of a funk [or just lighten the load for a bit]?

Sunday Stories

I spent a bit of time today remembering. Remembering all of the dreams I had when I was small. What I wanted to do. What I wanted to be. Sometimes I chuckled. Sometimes I wondered. Sometimes I was confounded at the completely different person I've grown up to be. Case in point: I wanted to be Miss America when I grew up. Really. Today I cry at the thought of getting up in front of people. Literally. Last year I left what I thought would be a simple choir practice in a panic of tears when the lady in charge told me I would be, "strolling to stage left and then back again while discussing such and such with sister so and so." I had not come prepared to play such a role. I completely fell apart and ended up not participating at all. Not my finest hour. My childhood all blurs together, but I can recall dreaming of being the Karate Kid. An olympic gymnast. An actress. A rock star. The first female NBA player [see, back then there was no WNBA so the dream was really far fetched]. An artist. An explorer. A writer. A poet. I remember making a few modifications to a tumbling leotard so that I would have the most unique + fashion forward swim suit at class swim day. I wanted to travel the world. I still do.

It Has Begun

[the universal conspiracy I mean]. Just yesterday I wrote that I wanted to paint. Honestly, I don't know the first thing about painting. Not really. And that fact has kept me from doing what I knew I wanted to do. But then. Right after I finished my post I ran smack into the middle of an announcement about a class. I know. I've got a bit on my plate right now. Notice my sidebar? I've decided I'm not in a hurry. I'll just sit back and let the universe continue to conspire for me. Have you had the universe conspiring for you recently? I'm going to paint!

As You May Know

I've had a super secret project in the works for a few months now. What you may not know is that I actually abandoned it a while back. I had told a friend what I was doing and in an effort to help me out [since I wasn't getting much more than 2 hours of sleep on any given night] she called in for back up. It was well intended. I know that. I wasn't ready for it though. I was still too insecure in my ideas. They were too fresh and tender. What ended up happening was unfortunate. They begain asking what else I had in mind. The gave me suggestions for what else I could do. I was overwhelmed and I completely misread their reactions. When they left I felt like I was wasting my time on an idea that wasn't worthwhile. An idea that people wouldn't be excited about. My flame was doused. I didn't even look at the progress I had made for at least a month after. Then my well meaning friend came back and asked if I was sure there wasn't anything the reinforcements could do to help me. I told her I had abandoned the project. It was really hard for me but I knew I had to tell her how I felt. I'm not generally really great at sharing how I feel. Especially not face to face. She proceeded to explain what had really happened. The women loved my idea. They thought I wasn't dreaming big enough. They thought I could do so much more. It took another month or so, but I've slowly started working on the project again. I bought an e-book called Flying Lessons. I'm taking a class called Mondo Beyondo. I'm trying to learn how to dream big dreams. I'm trying to learn to let the universe conspire in my behalf. Today I realized something... I was going about it all wrong. I didn't love the way the project was going. I didn't love the way the pieces were coming out. They were too processed [for lack of a better word]. And the truth is, I didn't love that process anyway. What I really want to do is paint. What I realized is that I would love the project more if I painted it. So today I'm telling you that I'm starting over. I'm going to start the project again in a medium that I can be excited about. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

Our Door is Always Open

"Open. I asked the doors. Please. Swing wide. Swing free. Swing open. So I can see opportunity as she smiles at me. Open." -Kal Barteski

1. Su Casa Door, 2. Bishop Hill Door 2, 3. (1238) Arnis / door / Germany, 4. (1239) Arnis / door / Germany, 5. Old Sturbridge Village, Massachusetts, 6. tuer, 7. Entrance to the Hotel Blume, Baden, 8. Perpignan, France, 9. Ribe Portal 014, 10. green door, 11. In Zwinger, 12. Old painted door, 13. Vermelho e amarelo, 14. 497, 15. 61, 16. Doors 1968, 17. Degraus, 18. Albany Old Convict Goal, 19. One is Open, 20. Ribe Portal 024, 21. West End, 22. Door with blue panels, 23. Faded Green, 24. Cornwall, 25. Delvinaki, Greece - December 2010, 26. puerta, 27. (1287) Arnis / door / Germany, 28. (1286) Arnis / door / Germany, 29. 210 East 10th Street, New York, NY, 30. Yellow, 31. DSC_6380.JPG, 32. doors of balat, 33. Sintra, 34. doolin, 35. doors and beyond

Today I have been very inspired by this project by Kal Barteski. So inspired in fact that I spent the morning in search of doors. Doors to draw. Doors to open.